Lildead's Blog

Doomed From The Start

lildead — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 12:42:55 +0000

Failed relationship after failed relationship, Stereotype after stereotype, Conviction after conviction; I was Doomed From the Start. As if living in the South as a young black man isn’t bad enough, I had to deal with my own race of people judging, and stereotyping me as well. Nothing that I did was ever good enough to satisfy others and when I decided to only worry about myself I was labeled as selfish.

Growing up in Florida I was always small in stature so I became the focus of bullies. I learned real quick how to defend myself and not to allow another man to take advantage of me. I only wish someone would have told me this about women. When it came to girls and women my heart was too open and I was too kind. I felt as if I was supposed to allow them to do what they pleased as long as it made them happy. Little did I know that I was setting myself up for future failures. Being taken advantage of; monetarily, emotionally, and mentally was a reoccurring theme in my relationships. Not wanting to disappoint the one I was with, I allowed them to disappoint me at every turn throughout our acquaintance. And this led to me being labeled as “weak, too nice, soft, or a push over”. But as years went by and many, many heart aches I developed what some would call an “I don’t love these hoe’s attitude”.

It became my time to dish out the hurt and pain that I was repeatedly exposed to in my life. Cheating became a way of life for me. Disrespect became a way of life for me. I and some of my homeboys would have contest on who could have the most women at one time. Or who could sleep with the most women in one day. There was no respect towards the opposite sex coming from any of us. I felt that if they could do me like that then what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. I had no problem with using them for sex, because I knew all they wanted was to use me for money. So I used my money to attract them to me, get what I wanted from them and bounce. My heart had become cold as a glacier and hard as steel. I really didn’t care about anything or anyone but myself for a long period of time.

During this period of time in my life I was following the wrong crowd and setting down the wrong path. I became what the others already thought I was. I sold drugs, smoked weed, gang banged, carried guns, stole from others, and destroyed my own people. Taking advantage of others was part of my everyday life. My skin color labeled me as a savage, thief, and thug so why not act that way. Stereotyping was not uncommon where I came from. When you crossed streets they clutched purses and with good cause. When you walked by cars, they locked doors and with good cause. When they saw me coming I was up to no good and was looking to snatch, take, or do anything to you to get what I wanted. I was being stereotyped for a good reason, but I only saw it for what I wanted to. That was me being black, young, and male in Florida. And, due to these actions that I was displaying there would be consequences and repercussions. That wasn’t on my mind at the time.

During this time frame I developed a reputation as a “nigga with an attitude”. I just didn’t care and dared anyone to test me. I had enemies all over the city that if they could would have killed me at first chance. I also had haters, but not hating for what I had but because of who I had become. I really didn’t care what anyone thought of me and welcomed any challenge. This attitude brought about my first conviction (aggravated assault with a deadly weapon). Since it was a first charge and they didn’t find the weapon I received time served (3 days) and it was dropped to simple assault. This put more hatred in my heart because as a young black man in this time when you are in the streets you don’t call police when faced with situations. Now I figured when I have my gun again instead of just pulling it I will shoot. I had no conscience about who I hurt and how they got hurt. Injury wasn’t good enough for me, I wanted death. I shot into occupied dwellings, crowds, and at individuals. This is what brought about my second conviction ( possession of cocaine, possession of firearm, fugitive, carrying a concealed firearm, possession of cocaine with intent to distribute, and possession of firearm in commission of a felony). Sitting in Hillsborough County Jail was like home away from home for me. I saw homie after homie come into the pod so I was chill until my court date. Facing 30 years for the cocaine, and 5 mandatory for the gun didn’t bother me at the time. I was a gangster at the time so I didn’t care. I received 3 years probation for the gun and cocaine to run concurrent. Here came my hatred back again, and the feeling that they can’t touch me. I bought another gun 2 hours after being released and started all over again. Except now I was a little wiser on what to do and not to do in order to not get caught again………………(continued)

Where is my Life heading?

lildead — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 22:54:37 +0000

The other day I was outside staring into the sky thinking, when I was doing things wrong and bad in my life; robberies, drug dealing, shootings, stealing, carrying firearms, and crime in general, it seemed like things were going good for me. Now that i’m on the straight and narrow path; no more guns, drugs, or criminal activities, my life has been on a downward spiral with no end in sight. Brings the old addage into light for me ” good guys finish last”. That saying is sooo true until its ridiculous. Makes you think of things to do in order to get ahead, but prison time keeps running across my mind. The economy is in the dumps and companies act like they can’t hire anyone so I enrolled in school. If Sallie Mae and the Government doesn’t hold my past against me and gave me money for an education, why does everybody else judge me by my mistakes. Even in my personal life i’m in last place, I speak to people and get no response back. That really irks my nerves, I guess if I acted like the old me and called them out of their name they would love me. I’m fighting real hard to stay a good guy, but the bad guy is fighting to come out. At times it seems as if i’m fighting these battles alone with no outside help. I pray for help, but I get no response. The enemy is after me hard and it’s too many of them for me to fight alone. When I ask for assistance my plea falls on deaf ears, my back is against the wall and they are overwhelming me. It’s the final minute of the last round and i’m down 11 rounds to 1, and the only way I can pull this off is with a TKO.

psalms 54:

54:1 Save me, O God, by thy name, and judge me by thy strength.

54:2 Hear my prayer, O God; give ear to the words of my mouth.

54:3 For strangers are risen up against me, and oppressors seek after my soul: they have not set God before them. Selah.

54:4 Behold, God is mine helper: the Lord is with them that uphold my soul.

54:5 He shall reward evil unto mine enemies: cut them off in thy truth.

54:6 I will freely sacrifice unto thee: I will praise thy name, O LORD; for it is good.

54:7 For he hath delivered me out of all trouble: and mine eye hath seen his desire upon mine enemies.

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Please explain to me?

lildead — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 01:54:49 +0000

Please explain to me how is someone convicted of a crime supposed to get on the right track if they keep getting turned down? This is the reason why so many ex-offenders become current offenders again. And then people sit around and talk about the criminals and the things they do. Well let me tell you, if AMERICA was really what it claims to be “THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITY” then these problems would’nt exist. The government has even started paying companies to hire ex-offenders and they still turn you down. Why don’t you just take the cases by their validity to the job for which they are applied. If an ex-armed robber comes to BofA don’t hire him, but if a ex-traffic offender comes into BofA give him a chance. I was turned down for a job before because of my driving record, and I wasn’t applying for a driving job. How does that sound? Crazy right I know, but deep down I still believe that the color of my skin “BLACK” played a large role in me not being hired. Damn that my experience was what they were looking for, my driving record made me a criminal. I really know now that when youth these days say that they can’t find a job it’s not all there fault. Something needs to be done to try and correct this problem. If more opportunities were giving to the job seekers who want to work then we would’nt have as many repeat offenders as we do. When a MAN or WOMAN is trying to do the right thing why not give them a hand. The debt to society has been paid and now they can’t get paid. That’s why there are DRUG DEALERS, MUGGERS, ROBBERS, TRAFFICKERS, SCAMMERS, EMBEZZLERS, THIEVES, and HOME INVADERS. No opportunities for them to change their lives around, and they still need to eat. I’m pretty sure everyone in these management positions has commited a crime in their lifetime. Whether you were caught or not it’s still a crime.

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$79,000,000…….WTF!

lildead — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 02:57:28 +0000

Has NASA lost there MuthaFukkn mind? They can afford to spend money like that to see if WATER is on the MOON, but can’t donate money to help out the homeless and less fortunate. I think that problem is more important than trying to live on the MOON. I mean come on are you freakin serious. The USA should be ashamed of themselves especially with the economy the way it is and millions of people with out jobs. Maybe the RICH are preparing to haul ass to the MOON and leave us poor son-of-a-bitches here to fend for ourselves. That’s the deal, now I get it, ya’ll some slick 50 ass mutha fukkas.

I’m going to build me a spaceship and follow ya’ll right up there. You know the poor people can come up with some genius ideas. So don’t think that you can just leave us like that. Where you go we can go also, but seriously that amount of money could have been put to better use right here on GOOD OLE MOTHER EARTH. Create some jobs to get the economy back in order before America becomes a third world country. Help the homeless and poor become self reliant, and not depend entirely on the government, or put more money into education.

How are we Americans supposed to be the Great Nation when we don’t even take care of our own, but will break our backs to satisfy others. I’m sure no one is relocating to the moon anytime soon, and that little experiment could have waited until a more opportune time. It wasn’t necessary at all especially when nothing came out of it anyway.

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Things I HATE!!!

lildead — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 21:37:40 +0000

I hate the word SWAG, it seems like everybody and they mama has it now.
I hate dudes that wear skinny jeans, that’s just GAY.
I hate Judge Judy, she gets on my last nerve and I wish I could cuss her ass out.
I hate when you speak to people and they don’t speak back, that shit is irritating.
I hate these dummies on Maury, you know damn well it’s no secret when you go on this show.
I hate when folks flauge like they more than what they are.
I hate that everybody think they can rap, NO I don’t wanna buy ya mix tape.
I hate the POLICE!
I hate George Bush!!
I hate algebra, this shit kickin my ASS.
I hate the state of Florida’s DOC, ya’ll sum PUSSY’S! FREE my BIG Brother!
I hate people who write about things they hate.
I hate wendy williams, She look like a dude.
I hate people who mimic other people, just be ya self homie.
I hate the otha side.
I hate reality tv shows.
I hate broccoli.
I hate folks that can’t spell, but like to write a lot of shit.
I hate spinach.
I hate satan!
I hate niggas that stare at you like they GAY or something.
I hate niggas that don’t like the word nigga.
I hate niggas who think they better the average nigga, remember you come from where i’m from homie. THE GHETTO!!!
I hate stupid people.
I hate gas prices.
I hate the economy, just another reason to deny a black man employment.
I hate everybody wanna be goons. JUST be a MAN damnit
I hate HATERS who HATE for no damn reason. LOL
I hate cheaters.
I hate dudes that hit girls.
I hate child predators.
I hate elderly abusers.
I hate scammers.
I hate LOVE.
I hate HATE.
I hate terrorist.
I hate liars.
I hate those kids in chicago that killed that 16 year old.
I hate those kids that stood around and did nothing to stop it.
I hate the people HATING on Obama.
I hate my baby mama.
I hate my ex boss.
I hate fuck niggas.
I hate this stop snitching shit, if something happened to someone in your family you would beg for a snitch to snitch.
I hate the “Have you ever been convicted of a felony” on applications.
I hate jay z.
I hate kanye.
I hate that the BUCS are 0-4.
I hate diddy.
I hate red meat.
I hate comcast.
I hate T.O.
I hate Chris.
I hate Brett Favre.
I hate……………………………..

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Tell it like it is!

lildead — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 19:21:58 +0000

Whats the big deal about Serena showing her emotions? She is only HUMAN and is allowed to let her feelings be known. Have we forgotten about McEnroe, and all the meltdowns, broken rackets, profane language, and outburst he had? Wait isn’t Johnny boy 1 of the GRAETEST of all time? Yet there are still some people out here who want to hold things against Serena and lets not forget Venus williams for everything they do. I believe it’s that pinned up RASCISM coming out, but trying to disguise itself as criticism. Yea I said it RASCISM RASCISM RASCISM!! The MAJORITY of the tennis loving world were against Serena and Venus the minute they stepped on the courts. Get over it people and realize the African-Americans can play all sports and be GREAT at them.

Serena only reacted to what she thought was a bad call. It’s her right to protest the judge’s decision that’s why they have the Freedom of Speech act. Maybe it was wrong the way she did it, but hell with money on the line I would have done the same thing. I probably would have hit the judge with the racket. Lets state some facts: Bill Lambier, cried about everything, insulted referee’s, players, and fans but he is 1 of the greats. John McEnroe, cursed judge’s, and fans, broke rackets, he probably beat up some ball boys, but he is 1 of the greats.

It all boils down to this, if Serena was WHITE it wouldn’t be a BIG deal about what happened. But, because Serena is “Non-White” here comes the negative remarks and backlash. I say to you negative, bandwagon jumpin, color judging, rascist bums Serena and Venus are here to stay so DEAL with it!!!!!

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A Call To All

lildead — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 15:33:26 +0000

Why is your PAST held against you for so long? I thought that when you paid your debt to society, society would forgive you. If that’s the case then why is it that everytime I apply for a job my background comes into play. My experience and qualifications get completely overlooked for something that happened in the PAST. And then you wonder why there is so much crime in the world. Fact: African-American’s are very opportunistic people and given the opportunity we will take it. But, when you have the system that should work for you working against you, you have no choice but to GET IT HOW YOU LIVE.

This is the reason why so many of our youth choose to deal drugs, commit robberies, and join gangs. There are no opportunities for US in the community and outside of our boundaries the choice isn’t even there. Idea: if the community stood up and started creating these opportunities themselves then we could take over. Lets start our own companies, open our own stores, employ our own people and watch how things change. We need to create resources for the youth of tomorrow because the COUNTRY of today isn’t going to do it. Who do we have to look out for US but ourselves? No one and thats why we need empower our RACE. When the Mexicans come here they stick TOGETHER, they work and put there money together to start businesses. The Caucasians keep their money and businesses in the family. Why can’t we do the same thing for our future generations?

Fact: everyone can’t rap, sing, or playball and the only other idols our kids have are the HUSTLERS. If my DAD or MOM had owned a business when I was growing up then maybe I would have had different idols. True enough my parents worked hard their entire life and I grew up knowing that was what I was supposed to do. But, now with HUSTLING and MUSIC being the main focus of most people the hard work ethic has all but disappeared. Lets make a stand and take our place at the top. Lets give our kids and grandkids something to look forward to. Lets leave a LEGACY for the future generations to follow. Lets show the WORLD that we are not the VIOLENT, LAZY, UNEDUCATED, people that they portray US to be.

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BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!

lildead — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 20:45:22 +0000

Micheal Jackson giving LETHAL dose of propofol and his Dr. is going to jail for it. This QUACK took away the GREATEST pop icon to ever sing a note. Whether he did it intentionally or not I hope he gets the book for this blunder. If he wasn’t sure about things he could have asked some one else for advice. You don’t mix different medications and everyone with half a brain knows that. Guess he doesn’t have half a brain. A doctor knows that mix-n-matching of drugs is a NO NO. Dr. Murray will have a hefty sentence to pay for this mishap. No more medical license, no more freedom, no more anything for a loooooong time. The KING of POP is gone and he is to blame.

Even I know not to take tylenol with excedrin and motrin. How can this dude give MJ 4 types of medication in an 9 hour period. “Ding ding ding ding…etc…. did anything register with in his head or was he just worried about the $$$$$$$$$. Hell he could have just giving him 2 Tylenol 500 mg ang MJ would have been KNOCKED OUT! I know because when I take 2 “wheeeeeeewwww” im GONE for the night and half the day. Maybe I should have been MJ’s Dr and he would still be here right now. No more Off the wall, Smooth Criminal, Remember the time, or Dirty Diana. Thanks to Dr. Conrad “Bury” Murray my generation has lost the Immortal sound of Michael Jackson. His legend will live on through our memories and his music.

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Talking about Da Real Deal

lildead — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 18:01:50 +0000

Quote

Da Real Deal
I think you’ll find this site interesting…

No more #17 it’s more like DC #0917

lildead — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 01:58:17 +0000

Well it’s off to the slammer for Plaxico for a 24 month sentence. When will these people understand that you can’t behave reckless when in the public eye? I mean DAMN you got money, cars, houses, and women. Why do you need to carry a gun, hire someone to carry it for you. I know I would or atleast get a registered gun. HELL ya’ credit good now and i’m sure you can afford to do it the legal way. It’s no need for the THUGGERY anymore. “Public Service Announcement” if you become FAMOUS or come into some MONEY leave the STREET LIFE ALONE!!! This is a Public Service Announcement. You have kids that actually look up tp you and it’s your civic duty to be a positive role model to these kids. That’s probably why it’s so many kids in jail and prison, their just following their role models example. We need to tighten up as a people and realize that what we do in LIFE isn’t only being done for us but the others who only have us as their last hope.

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