Growing up in Florida I was always small in stature so I became the focus of bullies. I learned real quick how to defend myself and not to allow another man to take advantage of me. I only wish someone would have told me this about women. When it came to girls and women my heart was too open and I was too kind. I felt as if I was supposed to allow them to do what they pleased as long as it made them happy. Little did I know that I was setting myself up for future failures. Being taken advantage of; monetarily, emotionally, and mentally was a reoccurring theme in my relationships. Not wanting to disappoint the one I was with, I allowed them to disappoint me at every turn throughout our acquaintance. And this led to me being labeled as “weak, too nice, soft, or a push over”. But as years went by and many, many heart aches I developed what some would call an “I don’t love these hoe’s attitude”.
It became my time to dish out the hurt and pain that I was repeatedly exposed to in my life. Cheating became a way of life for me. Disrespect became a way of life for me. I and some of my homeboys would have contest on who could have the most women at one time. Or who could sleep with the most women in one day. There was no respect towards the opposite sex coming from any of us. I felt that if they could do me like that then what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. I had no problem with using them for sex, because I knew all they wanted was to use me for money. So I used my money to attract them to me, get what I wanted from them and bounce. My heart had become cold as a glacier and hard as steel. I really didn’t care about anything or anyone but myself for a long period of time.
During this period of time in my life I was following the wrong crowd and setting down the wrong path. I became what the others already thought I was. I sold drugs, smoked weed, gang banged, carried guns, stole from others, and destroyed my own people. Taking advantage of others was part of my everyday life. My skin color labeled me as a savage, thief, and thug so why not act that way. Stereotyping was not uncommon where I came from. When you crossed streets they clutched purses and with good cause. When you walked by cars, they locked doors and with good cause. When they saw me coming I was up to no good and was looking to snatch, take, or do anything to you to get what I wanted. I was being stereotyped for a good reason, but I only saw it for what I wanted to. That was me being black, young, and male in Florida. And, due to these actions that I was displaying there would be consequences and repercussions. That wasn’t on my mind at the time.
During this time frame I developed a reputation as a “nigga with an attitude”. I just didn’t care and dared anyone to test me. I had enemies all over the city that if they could would have killed me at first chance. I also had haters, but not hating for what I had but because of who I had become. I really didn’t care what anyone thought of me and welcomed any challenge. This attitude brought about my first conviction (aggravated assault with a deadly weapon). Since it was a first charge and they didn’t find the weapon I received time served (3 days) and it was dropped to simple assault. This put more hatred in my heart because as a young black man in this time when you are in the streets you don’t call police when faced with situations. Now I figured when I have my gun again instead of just pulling it I will shoot. I had no conscience about who I hurt and how they got hurt. Injury wasn’t good enough for me, I wanted death. I shot into occupied dwellings, crowds, and at individuals. This is what brought about my second conviction ( possession of cocaine, possession of firearm, fugitive, carrying a concealed firearm, possession of cocaine with intent to distribute, and possession of firearm in commission of a felony). Sitting in Hillsborough County Jail was like home away from home for me. I saw homie after homie come into the pod so I was chill until my court date. Facing 30 years for the cocaine, and 5 mandatory for the gun didn’t bother me at the time. I was a gangster at the time so I didn’t care. I received 3 years probation for the gun and cocaine to run concurrent. Here came my hatred back again, and the feeling that they can’t touch me. I bought another gun 2 hours after being released and started all over again. Except now I was a little wiser on what to do and not to do in order to not get caught again………………(continued)
